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#479225 - 02/12/10 10:04 AM A little airline humor!  
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,879
NoMoBoatN Offline
NoMoBoatN  Offline

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,879
Riverside, So Cal
Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out
Furniture here, find a seat and get in it!


On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your
Belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something
We'd like to have. '


'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
This airplane'


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
Into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
First officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give
Them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad
Landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
Someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
Except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice
Came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis , a flight
Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the
Overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a
Landing like that.


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We
Ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas
On a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
The Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
Airplane to the gate!'


'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
Emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our


'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
Attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that
Gentleman over there.'


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all
Are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix
, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
Seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
Halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
Warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
Through the wreckage to the terminal.'


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you
Folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
Urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
You'll think of US Airways.'


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
Smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light
'em, you can smoke 'em.'


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles
.. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH , MY GOD!' Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and
said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry I f I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of

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#479227 - 02/12/10 10:32 AM Re: A little airline humor! [Re: NoMoBoatN]  
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 11,764
Frantically Relaxing Offline
Frantically Relaxing  Offline

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 11,764
Reminds me of the joke where 2 drunk guys steal an airplane. Attempting to land sobered them up quick. They finally get on the ground, slam on the brakes and skid to a halt.

After counting their lucky stars, the one drunk says to the other "I can't believe how short these runways are!"

The other drunk says "Yeah! And so *!$%^&# WIDE!!"

[Linked Image]
#479228 - 02/12/10 10:33 AM Re: A little airline humor! [Re: NoMoBoatN]  
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,395
FreshWaterLover Offline
FreshWaterLover  Offline

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,395
Burbank, IL
thanks for the much needed laugh this morning.


2013 Ocean Kayak Torque
2013 Bass Tracker Pro Team 175 TF

"The more you learn, the more you have a framework that the knowledge fits into" - Bill Gates
#479255 - 02/13/10 03:53 AM Re: A little airline humor! [Re: FreshWaterLover]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 190
Faster Daddy Offline
Vice Admiral
Faster Daddy  Offline
Vice Admiral

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 190
Plano, TX
... if you're traveling with young children secure your mask first, before assisting your child, if you are traveling with more than one child, then choose the one with the best potential...

2005 FW Horizon 230
2007 Toyota Tundra Crewmax
#479809 - 02/21/10 08:08 PM Re: A little airline humor! [Re: Faster Daddy]  
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 582
camp180 Offline
camp180  Offline

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 582
We just flew on Southwest from Chicago to Boston. There was a 4 hour delay leaving Midway because of snow in Boston. Once we got into Boston, the flight attendent came on the intercom and said, " Welcome to Boston, if you have a connecting flight, well, good luck with that!"

2005 Ebbtide 2100 Sport Cuddy
5.0 Volvo SX
#479834 - 02/22/10 08:40 AM Re: A little airline humor! [Re: camp180]  
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 6,473
On Holiday Offline
On Holiday  Offline

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 6,473
PA and Smith Mountain Lake
The first day my brother was flying as a commercial pilot in a 19 passenger twin engine plane he was greeting the passengers as they came on board, (no flight attendants). A passenger was nervous as it was her first flight. My brother told her not to worry as it was his first flight as well.

2008 Honda Goldwing Trike
2006 Regal 2400
2004 Dodge Ram 2500
2003 Ford F-150
2002 Harley Davidson Roadking Classic
1998 Honda Civic

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