Here it is. Again. Independence Day. Fourth of July. It was my Dad’s birthday. I should be on the lake. But instead I am here at the computer on a sunny Friday in July reflecting on this day again.
We watched the movie Independence Day again last night. I haven't seen this in years. Will Smith steals the show again. Great alien carnage. The plot is simple enough:
Aliens arrive from space and destroy Washington. But later in the movie they turn out to be hostile.
Maybe I should celebrate the last Independence Day under Bush/Cheney by listening to strangers' private phone calls and shooting friends in the face. Maybe we burn the constitution tonight instead of lighting off fireworks.
Can you imagine what the writing of the Declaration of Independence would have been like in 1776 if the current political environment existed back then? Cripes. I had a dream…. More like a nightmare. Too many tequilas in the sun, the big burrito I was digesting did the rest. A chair on the deck, a fine stogie, a snooze in the sun, and suddenly I am back at Independence Hall in Philadelphia on July 4, 1776. All eyes were on John Adams as he addressed the Continental Congress:
"Fellow delegates, today our drafting committee submits the proposed Declaration of Independence. You have Mr. Jefferson’s text on your parchment laptops. Upon the motion of Lady Clinton from New York and Delegate Obama from the Illinois country, the draft underwent a political correctness audit by Bishop Bill Moyers of PBS Cathedral. Bill O of Fox & Hound courier services took at look at this and threw up. Shawn Hannity, spokesman from 'Mad Yellers at the Watchtower' took it to the outhouse to try out its ‘softness quotient’. We sent a copy to Randi Rhodes for comment. She plans a 12-week segment on her townhall readings syndicate explaining this to the commons while showing everyone her breasts. Serious concerns arose.
"After consulting delegates Byrd of West Virginia, Kennedy of Massachusetts, and Gore of Tennessee, and with spiritual guidance from the Dixie Chicks, Mr. Moyers warned that the Declaration’s belief in natural law, self-evident truth, God-given rights, limited government, and separate nationhood is woefully unsuited to the brave new world of coming centuries.
"The bishop said these rigid dogmas would keep Democrats from ever fulfilling their destiny.Their party would be at a permanent disadvantage as the advocate of slavery and secession in the 1800s, the engine of omnipotent government and a planned economy in the 1900s, and the vanguard of global ecology and transnational utopia after the millennium. ‘Conservatism on steroids,’ was the verdict on our draft in a week-old New York Times editorial just received by post rider."
John Adams paused and sighed. Red-haired Tom Jefferson was pacing in the back. On the left where the relativist caucus sat, I saw Clinton and Obama exchange smirks. "No absolutes, Mr. Adams," Hillary prompted in a stage whisper. The future Vice President glared at her, raised an eyebrow at Dr. Franklin, his fellow drafter, and resumed.
"Keep your soiled knickers on, milady," Adams hissed with Yankee sarcasm. "Madam Rodham refers to the amicus brief from ACLU, the Atheist Colonial Liberals Union, indicting the Declaration's brazen use of such value-laden terms as 'good' and 'evil,' 'savage' and 'civilized,' ‘manly' and 'wholesome,' as well as the atheophobic term 'absolute' applied to His Majesty King George W.
"Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have also criticized what they call the Declaration’s blueprint for theocracy. The document refers ominously to God as lawgiver, Judge, Providence, and Creator. 'That’s too much holy talk for any sermon by us or Dr. King, let alone any government paper,' said the reverends. Bigotry on such issues as prayer, marriage, and unborn life is sure to follow, added spokespersons for NEA, NARAL, and NAMBLA."
Meanwhile the representative from the Tombstone Territory, J. ‘Black Eye’ McCain was yelling that if they had had redcoats to wear when he was a captive of Geronimo during the war with the Chiricahau Apache, hundreds of lives could have been saved. The former delegate from Connecticut Joe Lieberman leaned over to whisper to ‘Black Eye’ McCain that the term redcoats applied to the British soldier, not a winter garment for the frigid Arizona territory winters.
"You’re pathetic, Adams," exploded Delegate Murtha from Pennsylvania. "The Marines would court-martial you for mutiny. Independence is out of the question. You neocons started this war with lies, and we deserve to lose. We rob the red man, brutalize the black man, and oppress our women. General Washington is incompetent and a war criminal. Jefferson combs the Koran for an excuse to attack Tripoli’s Muslims. 'Sacred honor' indeed. For shame!"
The relativist caucus rose as one. "Negotiate!" "Withdraw!" "Apologize!" "Close Newark Prison!" "Amnesty for Benedict Arnold!" "No blood for tea!" Above the din Murtha still bellowed: "Peace now, before more thousands die and more wetlands degrade. Redeploy to Iceland and spare the poor redcoats. Every day of war means worse carbon emissions and fewer earmarks."
Delegate Kerry strode over and laid a patronizing hand on his fellow Bostonian’s shoulder. "Europe knows best, mon ami. We are the world’s pariah, the new Genghis Khan. We’ve not met the global test. Independence is so arrogant, so Republican. The common man of the Colonies needs new food seasonings, not political dogma to digest. We should be working on my bill to outlaw any new tomato plantations, preserving the wealth of a few proud families. Mr. Adams, tear up this draft before it destroys our way of life."
Then I woke to more shouting, but the shouting was the neighbor kids telling me my cigar had set my copy of Penthouse on fire, not dour defeatists. My brats were burning, not our heritage. Our ship of state didn’t sink at the launch ramp after all. She motors on, proud and strong despite the insanity that is our governors. Happy Independence Day fellow boaters. Enjoy this unique day in America.
Agave tokillyou does just that.... smooth as it may be.
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